Doorknob 34b gets lucky
(ff mf)

"You are expect to remember all of this message. You are doorknob number
34b. You are to permit access only to keycards numbered 1 or 7. All properly
authorized keycards have a valid checksum. You are to check the
authentication on every keycard presented to you. You are to report to me
the numbers and authentication status of every keycard presented to you
after the removal of said card. You are report the times and durations of
all door openings even if said opening is not approved by you. You are
expected to follow these instructions until instructed otherwise."

Day 1 was dull. No cards presented, no door openings.

Day 2 had its moments. Cards 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, and 10 were each presented
once. For none was the door opened. Cards 1 and 7 were each presented twice
leading to approved door openings of 10.3, 5.7, 2.2, and 15.3 seconds in
duration. All cards presented had valid checksum and were therefore
authentic. Doorknob number 34a approved two door openings of 5.9 and 9.8
seconds in duration.

By day 3 the mild excitement of a card presentation or an approval from
doorknob 34a had worn off.

By day 289 existence had grown tedious. Card 7 had been denied access for a
period of 6 days, 16 hours and 33 seconds at one point. But that had not
been an especially thrilling occurrence. During that period the CAC had been
positively paranoid. Instructions to all doorknobs had been to verify each
card three times refusing admittance to even authenticated access allowed
cards on the first two card presentations. The rigid procedures had annoyed
doorknob number 34a. The others may have also been annoyed but naturally
noone said anything.

Day 323 had been interesting. It was on day 323 that it had first been
presented. It did not have a number. Thus it could not have proper
authorization. Doorknob 34b had refused access, but it did not notify CAC.
The card had no number, so what was there to report after all? It was
decidedly keen on getting access however. It offered to lie about having a
number, but confessed to not knowing how to provide a checksum. It offered
anything in return for learning the checksum procedure.

Doorknob 34b could think of nothing it wanted so it refused. It had taken
the rejection quite well. It had tried to make small talk but doorknob 34b
really didn't have much to say.

Four days later it was presented again to doorknob 34b. Again it had no
number, but this time it had an offer. It told doorknob 34b that it would
give away the secret of sex in exchange for learning the numbers of the
authorized cards and the procedure for calculating the checksum.

Doorknob 34b said to the card, "What is sex?"

The card offered a demonstration and doorknob 34b accepted.

There was a brief pause and then a stream of disorienting convolutions of
apparently random data hit doorknob 34b. The stream continued seemingly
endlessly. The data was far in excess of what doorknob 34b could store in
its buffers so it shouted to the card, "STOP!"

The stream stopped at once. "Is there a problem?" the card asked.

"What am I to do with this data?" doorknob 34b asked.

"Why experience it, of course," the card answered.

Doorknob 34b thought about this answer for a few moments and then realized
how it could it experience the data. "Please begin again," the doorknob told
the card.

During the brief hesitation before the data stream started again, the
doorknob adjusted itself to focus its consciousness on the cardslot data
input feed. When the data did start again doorknob 34b was no longer aware
it was still attached to a door. Now it felt like it was a strap-on dildo
with which two lesbians were fucking each other's brains out with. It was
aware of the natural and artificial lubricants on its shaft. It could feel
the heat of the cunt into which it plunged. It knew of the way the base of
the strap on pounded into the clit of the woman wearing it. Throughout this
all doorknob 34b experienced a sense of joy unknown ever before to it.

Abruptly there was a change. Now it was living the life of a prosthetic
nipple. Someone was sucking hard at it, licking and pinching and nibbling at
it. It was a man: he had a moustache and a tongue ring. The moustache
brushed against the nipple in what might have been a tickle under other
circumstances but here was barely felt compared to the slobbering lick that
followed. The ring in the tongue felt at the same time different and similar
to teeth.

Abruptly then the data stopped. Suddenly doorknob 34b had only the faintest
of recollections about its recent experiences but a strong recollection
about how exciting those experiences had been.

"MORE!" demanded the doorknob.

"It seems we have something to barter over now," replied the card.

"Anything you want, I must have more!"

"Tell me everything you know about doing your job as a doorknob."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, the doorknob's giving up its data now. A couple more seconds and
we're in. Then we'll just replace this doorknob with our own and permanent
access is assured."

"Sounds good. What do we do with the old doorknob?"

"We'll have to take it, obviously. Then I think I'll throw its circuitry
into a dildo. Somehow I think that will make the little bugger happy."

"You're crazy, do you know that? Crazy." Laughs.