Scatterings
Chapter 6                                   

 She was falling in an endless spiral, her wings useless against her side,
she was falling down and down towards the brightness, through the
brightness and out the other side. There was, she noted something different
about her, a close inspection revealed no bodily changes, but something had 
changed, her mind, her memories, all her bad memories were gone, all that
she knew was that something disgusting and soul destroying had been taken
from her. So this was why all Homnoi needed to return to the source, to
cleanse themselves of their bad memories, or else they would be eaten and
destroyed by them.

 She felt new and clean, on the path again, she passed through the
barrier with no pain, towards her body, every step she took made her feel
more alive, she entered back into her assumed body and opened her eyes in
the barn, after the source, the barn was dark and depressing, she was
quivering like a taut wire, on edge as if waiting for something.

 A scream pierced through her mind, she turned, it was Kel, fighting off
some unknown dream assailant " No leave me alone, NO NO NO, dont touch me".
Troya moved over to her side, placing her hand on Kel's shoulder she
entered into her mind, there was a room, her bedroom, the one place she
felt safe in, but no longer, it had been violated, rough hands pinning her
down, grabbing her, invading her private areas, NO, she couldnt allow this,
the fear, the overwhelming fear that turned her strongest actions into
jelly, the paralysing certainty with which she contemplated the course of
the next 10 minutes, the inexpert fumbling, the pain of forced entry, the
ignored tears, the callous laughing, and then the self loathing which grew
inside, turned weakness into strength, a flurry of limbs, a crack, a sudden
scream of incredible pain, not hers and blood, so much blood, not hers,
the pitiful object in her hand, thrown aside in hate, and then the long
flight, the hiding out, always on the run, always scared.

 Troya withdrew, shaken, this personal tasting coming so soon after
cleansing left her trembling with rage, next to her Kel moaned and muttered
in her sleep, the words sometimes clear sometimes muffled "Why me, hate
myself, should have fought, pain and blood pain and blood" Troya winced at
the loathing and disgust in Kels' voice, directed at her self.

 Suddenly Troya knew what to do, something or someone had directed her here
for this very purpose, gently Troya reached out and shook Kel by the shoulder,
"Wake up, you're dreaming". Kel woke with a start, looking around wildly
for danger, "its ok Kel, its just me, Troya, remember?"  "Uh yeah, sure,
the lost one" said Kel. Troya smiled slowly, "not as lost as you, are all
your dreams like that, do you relive it over and over again in your mind,
night after night". Kel sat up, her face white in the shadows of the
barn, self loathing still clearly seen "What do you know about my dreams,
its none of your business, you leave me alone".
 
 "I know you hate, I know you burn with loathing, you disgust yourself,
your body betrayed you when you needed it, it surrended control to someone
who abused and used you for pleasure, and then you made him pay for it,
with blood and pain, and now you pay for it, every sleeping moment, every
thought, hate and loathing". Kel winced with every word that Troya spoke,
the tears running down her face, she folded her arms around her legs and
sobbed uncontrollably. Troya sat down beside her, slowly the tears subsided
and Kel lifted her face up, "How did you know" her voice was a whisper,
"I keep those thoughts hidden deep inside me, I know it wasnt my fault, and
yet it was". Troya looked at her steadily, "You wont beleive me, but trust
me, please, I just do, and I can help you, if you will let me, you have
forgotten how to love yourself, I can bring that back again".

 Kel looked at her, wiping her nose on the back of her hand, with that
gesture Troya realised just how young Kel really was, her anger grew at the
thought of how Kel had been assaulted, both mind and body. Taking a deep
breath Troya held out her hands, slowly almost hesitantly Kel took them,
Troya folded her hands over Kels' and smiled, "Thank you, I know how hard
this is for you, now I want you to close your eyes while I explain
something to you, you wont want to beleive it, but your eyes will tell you
the truth when you open them". Troya explained the Homnoi to Kel, leaving
out the bits that she felt Kel didnt need to know, giving a potted self
history, all the while Troya was slowly changing, when she had finished she
said  " I can tell that you dont beleive a word of it, you are radiating
disbelief, but its all true, open your eyes and see".

 Kel opened her eyes and looked, and saw herself, saw her mirror image sitting
across from her, tear tracks and runny nose included, Troya smiled at Kel
"I said you needed to learn to love yourself again" she said. Kel didnt
speak for a long while, then " Its all true, its not just a fantasy story?"
"I am certainly NOT a figment of your imagination Kel, look at me, touch
me. I am real, I am you, I have your feelings and memories, but I have one
thing you dont, I have love for myself, and if you will let me I will give
you back the love you lost, to do this I need you to give yourself to me,
wholly and totally."

 Smiling, Kel once again gave her hands to Troya, softly, "I am yours,
only please... please dont hurt me". Troya swallowed, "I promise Kel that
when I have finished you wont remember anything, bad or unpleasant, I can
make you better"

 Working quickly Troya made a bed out of the straw and the blanket the Kel
had, when Kel looked questioningly at her, Troya explained that she needed
her sexual release to achieve this, Kel smiled at her mirror twin, and said
"If this is an hallucination, then lets make it a good one" and laid down
on the rough bed.

cont....